The other day while completing Wyatt’s math lesson with him we had to have a heart to heart. Math is one of Wyatt’s hardest subjects. It always has been and it creates a vicious cycle of mistrust between teacher and student and the subject itself...even when I am the teacher. Over this past year of elearning I have tried different ways to teach him and help him understand. To say it has been a very hard task is an understatement and I am his mother. I can’t imagine how frustrating it would be as his teacher with 20 other students to teach.
Anyways, as I was teaching a different method to solve a problem (one I thought would be easier for him to understand) he totally shut down and I didn’t have the strength in me to hold myself together or to help him. As we both cried, he buried his head into his hands and said to himself that he was stupid, doesn’t know anything, and that he just can’t learn it. He then picked up his water bottle and tried to twist the top off. The main word here is tried. He had no reserve after the math meltdown and then being unable to open his bottle sent him over the edge. As he tried unsuccessfully he began to beat the bottle on his desk, yelling and crying and then he shouted: “I am so weak, I am not strong enough to open this stupid bottle.”
I quickly turned him around in his chair to look at me. He could see it on my face how sad I was about what he said. I put his little tear stained face in my hands and looked directly into his bright blue eyes and said, “Wyatt you ARE strong but I understand why you are frustrated and feel weak right now. I truly don’t know how you feel when you can’t do things but I know how I feel when you can’t do things and it breaks my heart.” I explained to him that I am always there to help him when things get hard and when he feels weak I will be strong for him. And after we hugged and smiled a bit I asked him, “do you know why it was so hard to open the bottle... it’s because a strong boy put the top on it”...you see he put the top on it himself. We laughed and then finished his math lesson because when he was actually able to clear his mind enough he was able to learn the right way to solve the problem.
In our family we all go through times of weakness and strength, especially with a diagnosis like Duchenne. Luckily we all don’t go through those feelings at the same time. At least one of us is feeling strong enough to bring the others together and figure things out the right way. When Wynston feels down, Wyatt finds the strength and words to pick him up and vice versa. Same goes for Patrick and I. Luckily we are able to go through the stages of chronic grief at different times and together we all find the mental and emotional strength for our family to grow stronger everyday. I have challenged myself to find my strength everyday, small or large, and I challenge you to do the same.
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