The Toxic Emotion of Jealousy

I have written and rewritten this post about 5 times in the past few days. I was worried about what others would think about what I have been feeling. I talked to Patrick about it and he said I needed to post it because it could make others feel they are not alone if they have had to work on the same thing. So here goes nothing…

Have you ever been jealous? Of course you have, I believe everyone goes through the emotion but the day I was jealous of my Patrick because he got a massage and had poor boys with his co-workers I decided I needed to check myself. I have never thought of myself as a jealous person but I have felt that evil emotion creep in and I am not really sure why. Maybe it’s because I have been in my house for months on end like so many have because of this damn virus. I am not saying I haven’t been out and about or gone on trips but most days are spent at home with Wyatt doing e-learning tasks and then working from home. It is a lonely place sometimes when you are the only adult in the house and the only noises are the dog barking, Wyatt yelling at his video games, or the white noise of whatever tv show is playing in the background. I do feel like I have to say I have definitely enjoyed my one on one time with Wyatt and we have definitely grown closer but sometimes I get jealous of those who are out in the world in their careers.

I think back to the time I worked at the hospital either as a floor nurse, case manager or an auditor and I miss the times I was with my friends at work. Yes the hours were long and I wouldn’t get home until late but it was my chosen career. The one I went to school for and studied so hard to complete. It’s hard for me to admit that I miss it sometimes because I know how lucky I am to be able to work from home and be able to do everything the boys need from me. As crazy as it sounds, if you asked me this question 5 years ago I would have been jealous of this life that I have now...I’m able to be at home with the boys and work from home everyday...I guess again it’s all about perspective.

Recently a family posted that their child’s diagnosis was changed from Duchenne to Becker Muscular Dystrophy which is a less severe form of Duchenne and I heard of another boy who has a gene mutation that is amenable to gene therapy drugs and I could feel the jealousy build up inside me. I like to call it mutation envy. This truly is a toxic way for me to think and I don’t let myself do it for long. I try to change my mindset to be happy for those who have these diagnoses and try to help them “celebrate” the new information. It’s hard though because everyone wants what is best, especially for their child and family, and this is one thing that I cannot change for us. I know that it is no one's fault or choosing of the type of diagnosis or the severity of this horrible disease but it is hard to not ask the jealousy question: Why Us? So I fill in with the normal special needs family answer of why not us? I try to give myself some grace to process the feeling and then move on and find the blessing somewhere in our diagnosis, but some days are harder than others.

A few weeks ago some friends, Patrick and I went on a short trip to Vegas. Another special needs family with us and we had a conversation about our special kids. Her child was diagnosed with her condition prior to birth...she not only has physical disabilities but also mental challenges. We talked openly about how hard it is and how others say you are so strong, I don’t know how you do it. We both laughed and said we didn’t know there was another way to be or like we had a choice in the matter. She then looked at me and said, I know we have it hard but I can’t imagine what you are going through with Wyatt...you have it so much harder than we do because you are watching him slowly progress while we knew what we had from the beginning. I looked at her and said I would have said the exact same thing to you...again it’s all about perspective and when I think about jealousy and a diagnosis I realize that it is not in the words but in the way you perceive what you are given.

Going back to being jealous of Patrick, this jealousy really got to me and I have been really hard on myself about why I felt it. I still can’t believe I was jealous when Patrick told me he had a massage and when he went out to lunch with his co-workers. It made me wonder, what am I thinking, what is wrong with me? Why would I be jealous of my husband and these things he got to do...and I think I figured it out. I really had to look into myself and be real with my feelings to figure this out. I wish I could allow myself to do the little things just for me. I have not taken some time for myself, like I tell others they need to do to stay mentally healthy. Going on a short walk in the morning is really just to clear my head before starting the monotony of day. I try to understand why it’s hard for me to “gift” things to myself like: a cup of coffee or a new dress. Unfortunately I think it goes back to when I stepped away from my career in nursing when I felt I contributed a good bit to our finances. This change in career has definitely made me happier and it is the right thing for all of us but I feel I am not as much of a contributor any more and it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it. I am sure there are people reading this saying...I can’t believe she is complaining about being able to work from home and take care of her kids but this is how I feel and if I am going to talk about it I am going to be truthful about the toxic emotion of jealousy.

We all go through time when we ask ourselves why others have things that we don’t?

Why can she get pregnant and I can’t? - Myself

Why can she lose weight so easily and it’s so hard for me? - Myself

Why does my son have a terminal disease and her kid is healthy? - Duchenne Moms

Why do other diagnoses get so much attention and money to cure and Duchenne doesn’t? - Most DMD families

Why can’t all buildings be accessible so ALL people can all get into it easily? - Wyatt

Why is my brother getting a wheelchair and I am not getting a dirt bike? -Wynston

Please don’t think I don’t appreciate my life and know that I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, kids, family, and friends but we are all human and that damn jealousy can creep in. I AM human, I just hope I can continue to keep the jealousy at bay and remember what I do have and that I am truly blessed today and everyday.